I received the biopsy news on Friday evening and that, along with getting back into school, had me hopeful about the future. As I should always be. On Saturday morning I woke up in excruciating pain. My back hurts from time to time and it usually comes from muscles tightened around my spine, which is relieved by stretching and exercise, but this was different. I knew that this was coming but certainly feel like now was not the right time. LOL

About four years ago, exactly, I had two tumors removed from my back. One was large and it sat down amongst the bones and nerves of my sacrum. I was nearly crippled at the time of surgery, unable to stand up straight and in constant pain. I refused to take anything stronger than ibuprofen, which may have caused more harm than good. Well, it depends on whether you are speaking of my mind or my body. When the surgeon extracted the tumor, he was shocked to see how large it was and said that they were not able to get the entire thing. So, I've felt it growing larger but it only hurt once in awhile. Last time, once it gained momentum, it grew rapidly.

I stretched, took ibuprofen, stretched, gritted my teeth and went about the day. But the pain must have wiped me out because I was on the couch, with eyes closed, by 2:30. This morning I wanted to screech but instead, took some more ibuprofen, stretched, laid back down, on my other side, and let it ease off. I am not looking forward to this. What I was looking forward to was moving forward. But it has been awhile since I really took care of my health needs and so this list has been long and it takes time to play catch up. We all have our challenges and some seem to have more than others. Maybe I have more, maybe it is just the way that I process things or maybe it is just more overwhelming because it is just me. None of that matters, this is just one more challenge.

I am still excited about getting back into school and about learning a new level of creativity. I am excited about learning how to do things using the experience and education of others and to not be guessing and struggling.

I keep looking at the sky, in hopes that the fog will burn off and sunshine will fill a portion of the day. I'd like to go back out and see the eagles. I'd like to feel natural warmth on my bones. Actually, it is not all that cold for January in Northern Idaho, not at all, but the air is damp from days and days of rain. I am sure that the dampness does no favors for my back.

My head is torn by the conditions in Haiti, by the dead goose on the beach and by the suffering and struggles of my friends. There is heartache, anguish, regret, happiness, joy and melancholy mixed into every day. The best that I can do is to take care of myself, mind my own business and continue trying to do the next right thing. I am not responsible for your suffering and you are not responsible for mine, no more so than joy or any other state of being. I am fortunate for that which has forced me to stretch my wings and embrace myself with increasing comfort and forgiveness. Acceptance and love of ones self is the primary ingredient by which a new life is founded.