Yesterday I had this sort of heated exchange with a good friend and it blind sided me a bit.

Now that I am out in the world more and willing to speak to strangers, I am constantly amazed at the human way. Mostly, probably, because I've always kept my wants and desires close inside of me, fearful of ever wanting anything. Always afraid that asking for something was a weakness. Always afraid that someone would think me weird. Never realizing that to not want something or to not have an opinion on anything, is the weirdest of human reactions.

So, with much trepidation I've begun the task of learning to put myself out there by stating what it is I want. I practice this on mundane things like haggling on prices in the appropriate places and have found that nine times out of ten, it works. The key is that I'm not disrespectful or unfriendly but always ask with a smile on my face. Yesterday, while sending a link to a story that I'd written, I discovered that my by-line had been removed. Without the slightest hesitation, feeling of worthlessness or guilt, and mostly without blaming anyone, I sent the publisher a note and asked him to correct it. Today the error is fixed. No big deal. But if I hadn't asked, he might not have noticed. If I'd shirked away in shame, guilt and feelings of deserving to have my name removed from hard work, I would deserve to not have the over sight corrected.

Yesterday, feeling completely delighted and amused by something that happened, I related the story to my friend. Now I'm wondering if my emotions are so poorly developed that I just don't understand. You see, a man whom I recently met and spent hours talking to, asked if he could suck my breasts. He didn't put his hands on me, or try to force me in any way, he just asked. And he walked away with no hard feelings. This is a long ways from the men of earlier years who used to try and maul me and had a hard time taking no for an answer. The men who made it so hard to say no to that there were times it was just easier to relent. Now that is a shameful revelation. I've had this same scenario happen several times in the past year - where someone simply asks and doesn't argue when I say no.The idea of asking for what you want, delights me. There is an innocence and kindness about it, and how much easier it is to own my own actions. My friend couldn't understand why I'd strike up a conversation with a strange man. This confused me because how else do you meet other people? I've been so shy my whole life and finally am trying to move away from that in order to get to know other people and someone says it is wrong. But it wasn't just strange men that I struck up conversations with. There were couples, kids and women. It wasn't as though I was flirting but more like just being friendly and interested. I don't exactly flirt with single men - don't drool over them, flaunt my wares, tell them they are wonderful and sexy or throw myself at them, I talk to them about things.

In all honesty, I hope that the day comes when I am talking with a man who excites me and am able to simply tell him so, putting the ball in his court. Otherwise I'll spend my life wanting and never getting.