The thing about going through the act of trying to forgive someone for a terrible wrong by being the first to hold out the olive branch, is that if they rebuff you it is no longer your problem.

Our family seems to have a problem with saying "I'm sorry," or with even realizing that they've done something to hurt another person, and so the only way has always been to swallow pride and try to keep the peace. This is a hard thing to do because I know, for one, when someone has wronged me and it would be nice to hear those tiny words. I've had to say them many times over, in hopes of just smoothing things to a mere ruffle, but I can't take the whole world on my shoulders. Some times people do things that hurt others. And in my family, instead of feeling bad for hurting one another, they hate the person they've caused damage to. That is one that I can't get my mind around but suppose it is necessary to do that in order to be right. Being right, that is what it is all about.

Well, I'm mighty tired of being the one to try and smooth things over and keep the peace. But the other day one of us asked if I would ever talk to her again. "When she apologizes," I said. "Has she ever apologized?" "No, she never has." "That's what I thought," they said. "I just try to forget and move on - no use waiting for an apology because it won't ever come." Well, that person had a point. And it is tough having all of these divisions in the family, no matter who created them.

I kept thinking about this person's words and finally felt compelled to hold out that olive branch and try to forgive them. I made the phone call. She got all snotty and business like sounding. I said hello again, trying to give her a second chance to warm up and realize that this was a big thing. Nothing changed. "Maybe I'm making a mistake by calling." "Yeah, you probably are," was the reply. "Okay then." I hung up.

All of my life this person has done and said awful things. Not 100% of the time but she'd get on something and tell me she wouldn't "piss on me if I were on fire." Things like that. Stuff you can't ever take back. I've forgiven her so many times. All I ever really wanted was a family to love me. Last fall I attempted to give her a wonderful gift because she'd done some nice things for a person very close to me. But it turned sour when they told me I was doing something that I'd already said no to. They couldn't let it go and they didn't hold up their end of the whole thing, which I'm still trying to get out from under. It turned uglier and uglier. Still, I didn't say anything negative about her, despite some of the most awful things you've ever heard in your life. I blamed the other person but eventually had to face the fact that she'd immediately turned her back on me and refused to do anything but berate me. Still, I tried to call one last time to say that I was sorry that we'd lost the opportunity to spend some time together. She was ugly during the call, even hung up on me, so I had no business ever trying again. But I'm too nice and so tried.

By saying it didn't hurt, I'd be lying. It hurt like hell. But it is her problem now. She has never had any business treating me so badly, particularly not then and I really have forgiven her enough. My side of the street is clean now while she gets to continue on with conversations in her head about how she is right and I am wrong. I've never had those conversations about this incident - once I began to have self-esteem and self-respect, it became easy to tell if I deserved to be treated poorly by someone. I was able to set boundaries and to maintain them, but to still be flexible if someone asks me and presents a good argument. Yeah, I learned these things late in life but then l we didn't grow up with such adult thinking - only fear based anger and ALWAYS having to be right.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it - unless someone can present a good argument to the contrary.