Wow, being scared, lonely and desperately broke in a new town sure doesn't look good on me. Without meaning to, I'm pissing everyone off and am not quite sure that I deserve the extent of their hostility.

I suppose that if you found yourself in a town where you didn't mean to be, but there because your car broke down and spent all of your money getting into a place to live, you wouldn't be scared or asking for help? Money coming in but taking longer than expected, no way to fix the car, nearly bare cupboards and refrigerator, not knowing many people and a body sore from walking everywhere with a backpack on your back, you would probably be the picture of serenity? I can see you sitting there, cross-legged, eyes closed and humming like a long, drawn out bee. The mantra in your head, "God will provide, all I have to do is sit here, believe and wait."

Well, God does provide but we have to do the footwork in order to find the solution. So, based on the fact that this chunk of money is coming in, I asked to borrow 1/2 of the $500 needed to get the car fixed. It wasn't my intention to cause a problem for anyone or to have a blow-up but that was what happened. I misunderstood their questions for the issue being under consideration. They misunderstood my answers for trying to manipulate them. Now I feel like a really bad guy and probably they do too.

Then the owner of the RV park that I was going to live in kindly agreed to refund my deposit. To me, this was a life saver because the money would buy groceries. I was very grateful to her. But when I checked my account yesterday afternoon, the money wasn't there so I thought that under the circumstances it would be okay to ask when she would refund it. I received a one word answer - "yesterday." I called the bank and they said there was no such transaction and so wrote to just verify that she credited my card and didn't send a check. There was no response. So I checked again today and the money wasn't there and so wrote and asked if there was a transaction number, just in case something went wrong. It wasn't like I didn't believe her. I felt completely desperate and scared and sat here checking my e-mail nearly every second. Because I'm getting so much exercise, my body is constantly hungry and the food is quickly evaporating. I've not had to walk such a fine line before because there was always back-up food in the freezer or cupboards. Desperation does not look good on me - people think I'm weak and need to be stomped further into the ground. When I didn't hear back from her I wrote and asked if she changed her mind. My sense from the one-word answer was that she was angry but had no idea it was because I'd written her. I explained my situation and apologized for bothering her. She finally wrote back and it was nasty. No, she didn't have to refund the deposit and yes I was grateful that she was going to do so. I wouldn't have even asked for it if not for being in such a bind. I try to do what is right and not ask for such things but my stomach is growling. There is still a little food but I was scared to eat it - now that is weird, but there was no way of knowing how long this would go on. The money finally came through and I walked a mile to the grocery store and carried a few items back - milk, juice, cheese.

So it is hard right now and during a time when I could use some people on my side, they've turned away from me. I haven't said anything ugly, so it isn't that. It is a difficult thing to understand. I'm not sure that I would react the same way if the situation were reversed - in fact I know that if it were in my power to help, I would do so in what ever way worked. They aren't me. We are different. If someone told me that they were just looking for food money, I would have compassion, not contempt. Am I the weird one here? Should I just never let people know when things are tough? Show weakness of any kind? Does that make me contemptible? There is something that I'm not getting.

So far this moving back home thing doesn't feel so hot. But then, I didn't expect that it would, which is why I wasn't going to put myself in such a position as to be hurt further. I'm still fragile and sensitive - though much better - and a little on shaky ground. The feelings of being rejected, lonely and scared are not easy ones to be with, thus the desire to drown them out. I'm now doing two meetings a day and have finally opened up about my precarious situation but going down the wine aisle is still a scary thing. Given everything I've gone through in my sobriety and not managed to drink over, this has blind sided me and I'm humbled by my powerlessness. My need to own where I'm at in order to begin walking back up that hill. This is not a position I saw myself in at this age and after years of hard work and it is humbling. This could happen to anyone, none of us are immune. So, yes, it will get better and a couple of weeks from now the car will be fixed and I'll have done my thing for greenhouse emissions, my body will be in better shape and looking HOT , bills will be paid and there will be food in the house. I'll probably hoard for fear of getting here again. Hopefully I will not have thrown away that which has taken so long to get - me.

P.S. you guys are making me feel so good about my photography, it has been just wonderful to share it with you. Thank you!