I went to bed just as the sun began to rise in the west but before doing so I looked out my front window and smiled. Out there a tiny hole beside the newly built home, the trees and a gazebo I could see Mt. Rainier poking her head out to say good morning. There was no mistaking her cap of glowing red snow and one would never believe that she is so far away. To think that many of my days could have started this way, had I been a morning person, but alas it was bed time for me.

I didn't get much work done yesterday. The weather is phenomenal right now. Blue skies, sunshine and warmth. People wanted to meet Gibson yesterday. My gut told me they would take them and I had to take a step back and re-evaluate my situation. There was no way around it, he needed a yard to play in and another dog to be with. Along with people who would be good to him. I brushed him, scratched his butt and ran with him on the beach. Handing the leash over was a hard thing to do. He went to a great home. What to do with Gibson was the last major thing that needed to be done - besides finish packing and actually move.

My heart ached for him. Also there is an angry sadness over my son. He thinks I'm despicable and he can't stand my personality. The anger that he wrote with was overwhelming. He makes a few accusations that are untrue but refuses to look at the evidence. He'd prefer to believe me a liar. He wants to think that when it was time for fighting over him in a court of law that I simply didn't show up. He won't believe that his grandmother emotionally blackmailed me into believing that she wouldn't care for them financially if they stayed with me and that the papers were already signed that day. Or that no one informed me of the date. Of course she never would of done that, despite what a mean person she was, but I didn't know that then. I was scared and alone, with no support system to help me through. He says that he is a happy person but I find it hard to believe that someone with so much hatred can be happy because it is an emotion that eats away at a person's core.

It is amazing how something that hurt me so much back than I burst into tears when my husband told me we were divorced and no one had told me it was happening, could be held against me today. I often find myself in these strange little paradox's over things that were beyond my control but someone thinks they should have been. I often find myself being called a liar when speaking the truth. It was something that my dad would beat me for. Once he almost killed me when I couldn't admit to something that he wouldn't even say what it was and that I had no clue about. I was replying truthfully and he nearly killed me - it was an awful thing. Over and over again, I go through this. People are mad at something that they think I did and I don't even know about it. Wonder why that is?

So this sadness was over me and I wanted to escape somehow. I went to the casino and played for hours and hours, not losing that much money but it was just a temporary pain killer. Then I came home and cleaned out my garage until 5 a.m.

I'm excited about this new adventure. So much has gone right over the past few days. It occurred to me that it would be hard to like someone with so much hatred, though I would love him because he is my son. What do you say to someone who doesn't like your personality? The way he says it, it is like a disease. I've tried so hard with him that it has been impossible to be myself for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. But I couldn't do anything right in his eyes. His dad commended me and was proud of the way I dealt with things at the wedding. I may be odd but am certainly not bad. Not that bad. His dad feels bad for not standing up to his mother and he knows how difficult it was for me with my own dad. He saw it, the way they treated me and he says it was pretty rough. Do I need his validation? Of course, validation is a helpful thing when the going gets rough.

But, really I'm okay. I muddled through this week and next will be tough when I'm actually over there. My son is sure that they don't grant grandparents right to deadbeats like me. I want more than anything to be part of my grandchildren's lives and have never done anything that would justify my being denied that. I've never talked about suing for rights but now that he mentions it, it might be a good idea for someday. They have a right to know me as I do them. I'm moving on the best way possible. There will be tough moments and bumpy roads. I'll pretend that it doesn't matter but it always will.