Everything about me says that nothing will change unless I can become positive and believe that it will. And I'm trying to be. In order to do so I must pretend that everything is absolutely wonderful and I'm happy as can be. When you ask me how I am, it is my job to say wonderful, couldn't be better. Intellectually I know this - that it is what you want to hear. And I want to be able to say it and believe it is true. More importantly, I want it to be the truth.

I've been alone most of my life but not in a very long time have I been this alone. Or felt this alone. Don't mistake me as saying there are no friends who care about me because this would be a false statement. Their caring, while comforting, is not making me any less lonely and desperate. It has to do with not being capable of doing what needs to be done. My neighbor says I'm capable and when he said it I felt encouraged but the truth is that there are some things that can't be done. There is no physical or emotional support with which to get this move done. In the past I could have done it all myself, not really giving a damn but now it isn't possible. Really there is no place to go and no place to stay where anyone wants me. The move is only meant to benefit me financially but so far that hasn't worked. And the truth is that the car did well for a few days and then something else went wrong and I don't know what. I don't really own a car. There is no reason to get up in the morning, no one I look forward to seeing, no one to talk to and I'm just empty. A desperate, lonely old lady yearning for the life that others have.

Now, if I could change all of this, I would. But I can't manufacture friends or people that care enough about me to help me pack, carry boxes and get moved. I can't grow money. I can't heal my hand - though doctors probably could. But I don't want doctors here to touch it and am waiting to get somewhere else. Somewhere where someone could maybe help me through it - like drive me to have the surgery and drive me home. Maybe feed me some homemade tomato soup with lots of soda crackers and a gingerale. Am I really asking for too much out of my life? The more desperate and lonely I become the less that anyone wants to be around me. Be positive everybody says. If there was one person who loved me I could maybe find a way to do that. Now I just beat myself up for not meeting your expectations.