Obviously yesterday was a tough one and nothing has really changed now, except for my attitude. Things were better by the time I wrote that last post but it still needed to be written about.

The despair was horrible and it left me wondering how people get through those black pits when they feel like they have nothing to live for. For me it was thinking about how I would write about it during the midst of the whole episode. I kept sorting, packing and bawling, all the while writing the feelings in my head, and it eventually got better. The other thing was that I hadn't been eating much and my body was crashing. My head hurt too. Peanuts and water gave me a boost.

There is always another side, even if you have to crawl in order to get there. I still don't know how everything will get done. My arm is worse today - it gets better with rest and then the minute I start doing lifting and things like that, it flares up. Nothing really kills the pain. Not anything I can take does

I feel trapped right now. While the house that I live in is wonderful, the expense is dragging me down and preventing me from following my dreams. I need to lower my costs but in order to do that, must move into something much smaller, as well as find a home for Gibson. It is a vicious cycle and one that overwhelms me so much that I become paralyzed.

Last night, after a long hot shower, I went out for a $5 buffet at the casino where two friends also showed up and needed a table. We ate together and it was nice. The casino also provided us with $5 of free gambling money - or cash if we chose to take the money and run. I played this little penny machine called Milk Money. It provided several hours of entertainment and I went home $15 richer, counting dinner and all. I don't get out hardly ever because there is not much night life, unless one goes to bars, here and there is no one to do things with. So I pretty much work until it is time for a late dinner and then some CSI and news. I fall asleep on the couch and Gibson crawls up into the recliner. That is it.

This life isn't bad, it could be a whole lot worse. It is just lonely and there aren't a lot of opportunities for personal growth and reaching one's potential. Well, it is a retirement community for the most part. I'm just not ready to be retired!