Whew, its been a couple of tough ones. Today almost knocked me out and it didn't feel possible to get back up on my feet.

With each thing that has gone wrong my anger and frustration grew to unrecognizable proportions. The car is just never going to be right and my body won't ever be out of pain and those things can wear on a person's nerves.

I smelled a dead rat in the garage and proceeded to take everything out into the driveway. Then I began trying to organize and pack my tools. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I fought them back. The thing that went over and over in my head is that I don't know if it is possible to continuing bearing this cross I've been dealt. I wanted to scream out that I never asked to be disabled and a suck on society. I'm only one person with a body that hurts like hell and somehow I'm supposed to pack up my life and move myself to who knows where now that the Rover took up all of my money and my dreams. This constant struggle with little fun in between is too much. It is always something, always, always, always. This past couple of weeks I've been looking for the silver lining and trying to concentrate on finding the positive out of all of this but I failed - crashed to the bottom. I keep wanting to shout out that I'm not a bad person but maybe my need to do this means that I am. It doesn't seem like I can catch more than a glimmer of a break before falling back down.

So as I sat on the garage floor and separated nuts, bolts, screws and nails the bawling got louder and louder. Maybe you've experienced it, that moment of utter defeat. I keep trying to do the right things and not create wreckage as this whole move takes place. I'm tapped out, physically, mentally, economically and emotionally. You can't imagine how it is to be turned away at almost every turn. I want so badly to leave in grace, having fully taken care of all my responsibilities. But I'm only one person with a battered body. The crying must have lasted more than an hour. When I stood up to go inside the pain was incredible. My hand, the one that is mostly numb, was covered in cuts and scratches and the tendon glowed an angry red right through the skin.

Somehow I finished putting together the order for 90 cards and got them delivered. I heard an e-mail pop up but kept on with the cards until they were finished. The message was to inform me that I'd sold 3 photos to a magazine. A small sigh of relief. Now I have gas to get to Spokane, even after paying for a brake job tomorrow. I want to be happy but this up and down has knocked me out. When I delivered the cards, another photo had sold and a check was waiting for me. Yipee, now there is food. No, honestly, it isn't that bad. I'm just afraid to spend a dime on anything for fear my car will need something else. But then it is bad because there isn't enough to meet my financial obligations. I'm just afraid!

The majority of my pain doesn't come from my body or from the finances, not really, it comes from the agony of those who don't like me. My whole life I only wanted to be liked. If someone has a good reason for hating me, it doesn't bother me so much because at least I know. It is those, like my son, that I don't understand and can't comprehend. It is those who listen to a lie my neighbor might tell them and decide to shun me without getting to know me Those who don't even give me a chance. That is where my true pain comes from - the loneliness. I'm overwhelmed by it and my heart aches. I have so much to offer if only given a chance. There is no need for me to settle for the guy who came over and told me I turned him on, but he is in a relationship. Does he think that a compliment? It was disrespectful, dishonest and demeaning. At least I'm not settling but am holding out for the true thing, if it exists. Really, all I need is work to do. Keep me busy and allow me to feel like I'm useful and nothing else hurts near as bad.

Maybe it is the honesty in my blog that is holding me back. Believe me, if you had no one to talk to or nothing substantial to hold on to, you'd need an outlet too. I'm just a human being trying my hardest to make a go. I didn't ask to be injured and on disability, or to be this miserable, lonely and broke. If only there were one day that I didn't have to wake up and worry about making some money, whether my car worked, if people liked me, how the bills would get paid or moving, it would be heaven. I really don't want much, never have. I don't walk out in public looking miserable and down but try to put on a smile and keep moving forward. I want to be positive and am trying but it is just so hard when life keeps beating me down. Won't it ever stop?