As I drove over the winding back roads of the Key Peninsula, through Vaughn, Allyn and Shelton, on my way home, I tried to remain positive. Every time my mind went to doom, I corrected it and told myself to think positive because everything would be all right. I can do this positive thing, especially when there are others who are in my corner. It was a long drive and Rover seemed to be getting worse.

Once home I went straight to Google and looked up for signs the transmission is going bad. A lost transmission equates to no car and nothing of value for a trade in. What I read wasn't good. But then it does the same thing when the catalytic converter is bad and the spark plugs are improperly installed. There could be other problems. I read too much and soon got it that there are many little parts that could go wrong, all costing from $50 to hundreds. I became overwhelmed and it is amazing I slept at all.

Morning found me a little less positive when I drove down to the store for a few things. The car is not feeling well, even on a short trip. I'm grounded from everywhere, the beach, the other side of the state and from picking up the travel trailer. Rover could barely get it up a hill because it was spurting and losing power. I feel trapped. Then I felt hopeless. Sort of a hangover feeling stayed over me most of the day. Finally the tears came. More like a wrenching, sobbing where I could barely catch my breath. I tried to wipe them away and keep going. Think positive! I'm out of options. All my money went into that car with more parts arriving this week. There is nothing left and I'd planned for so long to keep things until selling them would get me going in a direction that would earn some money. This was my security and I'd guarded it - not buying groceries all month. Nothing but milk and OJ. Eating scraps and whatever else. Just being careful that I'd be able to carry out my plans to go on the road and write and take photos. This was to be my chance. To get back on my feet after all of the injuries and surgeries and everything else. I was finally moving ahead.

Except that I haven't gotten anywhere. I'm stuck. I lost it more later, feeling completely doomed and hopeless. A failure. So willing to work hard and to do what it takes but never getting the chance. I don't understand why that is. I just don't understand. I've worked towards this - towards my chance to turn things around after all of the hard years. At the moment I don't think that chance will come. If my car is dead I'm not going anywhere for a very long time. And all I want to do is work and be successful. Be that happy, smiling woman who is always on to another exciting adventure. I think everybody deserves a chance at happiness. I'm not looking to anybody else to make me happy - I'm looking to work for it. It isn't all I want out of life but it is a good start. I never want to feel hopeless again, or to write posts like this. If you saw me during happy times, when I'm working hard and loving it, you'd never know it was me who wrote much of what is in here.

But maybe it won't be so bad and the car will run like a charm after it is fixed this week. That could happen and all of this despair would be forgotten. I can see myself out on the road, taking adventures, my hair blowing in the wind and a smile on my face. I can feel that energy. I know what it feels like to feel productive and successful - it has just been a really long time. I didn't ask to be injured and unable to work - I've struggled against it every day from then to now. One thought foremost in my mind - to go out and do good.

I'm sort of lost right now and just needed to write the truth about what is going on. That is what I do - write the truth. Possibly it isn't good for any career success, or relationship success if I were after it, but I can't help myself. It was a promise to myself, to be honest and not worry about what others thing. At the moment I'm thinking that it is time to give up the photography and just write. The photography takes so much time and all that is left is a whole bunch of beautiful photos than no one wants - or that they take for free. My hard work doesn't seem to be worth $$ to anybody. Maybe we all just want the things that are free.

Sure wish I could get over the idea that if you are a good person, life is good to you because all of my troubles make me feel like a failure. Like I have to do something really good before I'm worthy to be a friend, lover or mom. That is the crux.