I move through my day, preferring to think the best of people and believing what they say. What more can I go by than their own word? Maybe my gut. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that people lie. They'll do something right in front of your face and then turn around and tell you that you didn't see the thing you saw. They'll ask for work and when you perform, turn their back on you and ignore your existence. People don't mean what they say. Why can't I figure that out. Making a deal with you and then not following through. I question them and make sure but they lie. My gut tells the truth.

My gut says, no don't, it isn't safe. I feel it on my skin, the creepy crawlers coming out to play. Ignoring it all, I prefer to believe it is just my stunted emotional abilities and not them because I want so badly to believe they are real. I wait for myself to warm up and continue to ignore the warning signs. There is one brief moment when everything feels okay and then it is gone. They didn't get what they wanted and began showing their ass again. But I didn't lie, why would they be mad? I try to warm up and get past that burning pain that comes from deep within.

But then they lie to my face and I catch them, they try to make me responsible for their feelings and I ain't buying. No way am I going there. They were told the truth and now they want to blame me because they are feeling bad? What shit is that?! Go ahead and kill yourself is what I think because you aren't taking me with you. I'm outta here. Don't burden me with this bullshit. If this is a ploy for attention, you picked the wrong person. I lost my career to a mother-fucker who decided to seek attention by threatening suicide. I lost my career and he was just faking it. Because of him I've had to suffer financially all of these years. Fifteen years to be exact. He took a livelyhood from me. Do you honestly think that will work on me again? Despite trying hard I've never been able to get back on my feet. I keep trying hard. My spirit is a fighting one that gets down but not for long. So far, I've always gotten back up and kept trying.

Once the threat came out I couldn't wait for him to leave. I was shaking inside, not with fright but with anger. When he felt like a fool I turned him off. When he called I didn't answer the phone. When he wrote, I blocked him. I turned off everything and put my life away from his view. It was all out of self-protection. The calls and letters came every few minutes, or so it seemed. I felt threatened, violated, scared and angry. He kept telling me there was unfinished business to talk about. Suddenly I owed him money for the things he'd offered to do. He tried to rewrite history but I wasn't buying. A do not contact letter written, the police called, the doors locked - and life changed from carefree to looking over my shoulder. My gut had been right. My friends felt it too - no one saw the two of us as friends, let alone a couple. I had tried to give it a chance to see if it were possible to warm up and trust. You know that I have issues that way. But it wasn't me.

I walked away and found out it wasn't me. A chance meeting in a big city. A telephone call for a date. Wow, I wondered, is this how it happens? I liked his energy. Yes, I said. And it was easy to hang out and to share. Yes, my gut always tells me the truth. And no, it isn't me still being closed down. I finally know what is inside of me and that it can be trusted. When I can't hang around with somebody it is because they aren't right for me. But I'm perfectly okay.

debydixon2008