There was a time, several years ago, when I was going through one back surgery after another, that the self-pity that flowed through me was my only identity. I remember driving to Santa Fe from Taos with the car stereo cranked up and listening to Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson. The tears would be streaming down my cheeks and soaking my lap. My loneliness and despair wracked away at my brain. There is one thing that you don't want to experience in this life and that is nearly dying and being revived three times and five back surgeries all by yourself. I had reason to despair for there seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel - though, in reality, there was.

I don't fully know the reason for having to go through such difficult times. I may never know. But as I drove to Santa Fe with that stereo blasting away with what had been my parents favorite song and the tears endlessly falling, I thought the reason was to show others how miserable their lives could be. I'd play Rose Garden to remind myself that no one ever promised me a rose garden - an easy road in life. After all there has to be a little rain some time.

My rain poured and the time eventually came when life began to get a little bit easier. Conor was the beginning of all of that time for he brought much needed joy into my life. I'd even come to a point of being grateful for all of my experiences because they showed me my strength and faith. Yes, through that time, my faith grew and thus my ability to re-open my heart. I eventually forgot about the song and hadn't listened to it in years.

But I experienced a drought in my faith this morning and found myself looking for the CD - it was right where I put it a couple of years ago. The song is repeating over and over again as I type this. Funny thing is, though I fully expected to indulge in a few moments of heartfelt self-pity, tears and all, the song empowered me. I heard it differently - the way it was intended, for the first time. "I never promised you a rose garden, along with the sunshine there's got to be a little rain some time...so live and let live...you don't find roses growing on stalks of clover..." No, the world didn't promise me a rose garden but neither did I promise you a rose garden. I never told any of you that I'd be a perfect human being, nor did I expect you to be. I am human and humans make mistakes. I'm not a bad person.

I feel deeply about the human plight and have strong feelings about the way this country is going. I own those feelings! I own and celebrate those feelings for they mean that I care! I want people to quit suffering at the hands of others. I want this war to end and our troops to come home. I'm not looking forward to seeing the suffering that our vets will endure over the rest of their life times. I want to work hard and make enough money to live comfortably. I want to be able to help others. I'm not looking forward to seeing people starve and freeze because the economy has gotten so bad. I want the polar bears to survive and am not looking forward to hearing about how they drowned because they couldn't reach a patch of ice to rest upon. I'm not looking forward to watching the southeast wither with no water, or the next hurricane as it comes ashore, or to the ocean rising and coastal areas no longer existing. I've been scared of these things for as long as I can remember and intuitively knew this wasn't going to be a good world to bring children into. Now the time is here and I get to be sad for future generations who won't have what we did - what we had and threw away. I'm angry as hell and I own my anger. I want to turn my anger into something good.

So hate me if you will. Think that I'm an awful person who just didn't know how to do things right, I don't care. You are entitled to your feelings. Just know that a passion oozed inside of me and I kept it hidden, thinking you might not approve. Well, to hell with what you think - this is my life. Just because you think in a different way doesn't mean that you are bad. Think about it. If I can love you just the way you are, then why shouldn't I expect that same thing in return? I should and do. I never promised any of you who might be disappointed in me a rose garden and you never promised me one. None of us get the gold ring, we just get life. It is up to us to make the best of what we have. For me that means following my passion, no matter what you might think about it.

©debydixon2008