Snowy Owl
Washington State - 03-12-06
©jonnie2006

So, I'm having a major panic attack and minor bladder irritation, which sends me to the bathroom over and over again. I'm pissed, my feet are itching, my calves cramping and the dog sits at my feet and whines. I throw up my arms and say, this sucks, what the hell would life just leave me alone. And while you're at it, shut the dog up, next door! This is no way to live, in this place of angst, the fish or the computer will soon be dead. So, I haul out my shoes, my coats and my camera and go out onto a long, long island in search of the great white owl. I walk around a corner and there the old bald eagle sits, so still he looked like a post. That is until he spread his massive wings and took off on up the coast. I walked along this sandy beach, thinking to myself, I 'll never see a great white owl in this massive place. When I looked to my right and saw a bundle of white sitting on top of this sign thinga ma jig. I said, that can't be, why would I get to see her sitting right there as still as could be? I thought maybe they put out one of those dummy owls to fool the great white. But no, I'm walking along and suddenly she turns to look at me. I stopped in my tracks and flashed the camera but the sun shone in my eyes. I snapped anyway because one never knows what kinda pictures they might get. One step I did get too close and off she flew. I shrugged my shoulders and walked along when what did I see but that big girl sitting on top of a tree. She watched as I snapped and got just so close. The sun favored us now. I sat and watched, trying to inch just a little closer. One last look and off she flew. So once again I picked up my coat and shrugged my shoulders and walked on along in the trail. When all of a sudden there she came flying right in front of me. I snapped and snapped and got mostly air, but there's one shot of her flying in there. I continued on along and up in a tree, there she sat again, and she told me, this is the last time so shoot straight. I shot some more and got one inch too close and off she flew. My body hurt and I wished myself closer to the car. But alas, a mile or more I'd trekked this island and that I'd do again. So I walked along and watched the Eagle as he circled overhead, trying to lead a predator (me) down the beach a ways. I looked to my right and there sat a great white. I saluted and said my goodbyes. Once again, walking along the path and heading back the way I'd come, what did I see, but he. Bigger than the rest, wouldn't let me get as close but there he was. He glided right by me and said, you've overstayed your welcome here. Wish I could say I flew through the sand as light as a feather, but then I'd by lying. I made my way back, a little extra piece of driftwood in tow and memories on my borrowed camera.

Well, the reason I tell you this tale, is my body wore out and the panic is gone. I thought to myself, I'm really excited and the night is still young, believe I'll take Conor out to the beach.

---more to come..

Yesterday I walked onto the beach where two young people wrote messages in the sand. Their smiles bright and happy in their youthfull possibilities. Much of life unlived with everything still to come. Shyly I smiled their way before ducking my head and watching the sand unfold under my feet.

First I walked over to the jetty and climbed up onto the rocks. Standing there, the wind blowing my hair out behind me, I looked out over the ocean. Sea lions bobbing in the waves, boats floating by and birds swooping down on the water. I felt the urge to jump in and float around. To taste the salt water on my lips and clap my hands with the creatures of the sea. The wind blew stronger now, knocking my body to and fro. I reached for a rock and held on tight and felt nature's strength fill me through and through.

Climbing down off of the rocks, I nearly slipped and fell. Knots moving out of tight muscles, my foot hung in air like a quick thought passing through, before regaining ground. I walked down to the shore and looked at the shells and the rocks coming up from deep. I watched lovers kicking sand as they lingered hand in hand. Salt water washed over my boots, coming up faster and farther than I'd run. The sun came down around the rocks, casting an eerie glow over the birds who feasted on the shore. I walked, listening to the waves crashing, the birds screaming and the foot steps in the sand. Suddenly the sky turned orange amongst the clouds, while blue sky lingered up above. I made my way back to where the young people wrote, I love you, in the sand.

writing restlessly in the pnw

My boss walked up beside me this morning
and said,

"Deby I'll be walking with you today,
to make sure you don't trip and fall.
So, Deby look up into the sky
without a care at all.
Enjoy the sun on your shouders,
while you stand tall."

I said, "Boss if you are in charge,
can you do me one little favor?
Can you bring those men and women
home safely from the war?
I'd like to see our troops look up into the sky
and not ducking from the bombs up there."

My boss smiled
as he looked down at his feet,
and he shook his head sadly
and said, "Wouldn't that be neat.
Let's go trim the bushes
and think about that feat."

I looked at him, and said,
"Keep them safe bossman,
let them know we care
and support their brave courage
and we'll be here to hold their hands
when they finally come home, where they belong.

Yawl remember that boy or girl that never got invited to the party? The one that sat home on Friday and Saturday night and did whatever it was they did? That was me, I never got invited to the parties. Not cool enough, or whatever the deal was. On Friday and Saturday nights I sat around and pretended that I didn't care.

I never knew what people did at those parties. And if someone would have told me that the girls talked to each other about sex, I would've turned bright red and not believed a word they said. My parents thought that if they hid sex from me I wouldn't try it, or something. Not sure of their logic.

But when I did go to a party one Saturday night, we all went down to the bowling alley where the boy I had a crush on took me out back and asked me if I was a virgin. I said, "what's that?" He said, "Here, let me show you," as he began reaching with his hand. Out of instinct, I stopped him. Boy did the boys tease me after that?

I know everyone will now be convinced that I was a nerd, or something, but the first song I ever remember hearing and relating to was, Garden Party. I had a little radio above on the headboard of my bed and every time the song came on, I'd cry. The part that resonated with me is,
"But it's all right now
I learned my lesson well
You see you can't please ev'ryone so
You got to please yourself"

I'd think, yeah that's right Deby (I was Debbie then), please yourself, don't worry about those fools that don't take the time to get to know you. But, I'd cry my eyes out! I'm crying now.

(Ricky Nelson)

I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends
A chance to share old memories and play our songs again
When i got to the garden party they all knew my name
But no one recognized me i didn't look the same

But it's all right now
I learned my lesson well
You see you can't please ev'ryone so
You got to please yourself

People came for miles around everyone was there
Yoko brought her walrus there was magic in the air
And over in the corner much to my surprise
Mr. Hughes hid in dylan's shoes wearing his disguise
I played them all the old songs i thought that's why they came
No one heard the music we didn't look the same
I said hello to mary lou she belongs to me
When i sang a song about a honky-tonk it was time to leave

Someone opened up a closet door and out stepped johnny b. Goode
Playing guitar like a ring an' a bell and lookin' like he should
If you gotta play at garden parties i wish you a lot a' luck
But if memories were all i sang i'd ratherdrive a truck

My point being that I grew up thinking that sex was dirty and something that I should never talk about. Over the last few years I've become less inhibited, but there has always been that one little thing holding me back. The shyness, or the thinking I'm not okay.

This might surprise some of you but when I asked what to do in order to get ready for a big date, I really needed to know. I've been out of the saddle for a long time. Oh yeah, a few romps here and there, but not looking for love. And believe me, I got some good advice and will be better prepared than I would have. I'm sure he appreciates this very much. I do.

I got invited to a party last night and had a blast. A bunch of middle-aged people talking about sex and trying to help out a friend. The love, fun and laughter was there. Sometimes I just stared in amazement. I haven't laughed so hard for so long in all of my life! So, thank you friends. You taught me how to just be me and embrace everything sexual about myself. And that none of it is dirty. If anyone became offended, weren't they lucky they had the choice to be there or not?! None of you will fully know how special you were to me last night.

One thing you should know is that I told this person that while sex is important, I'm looking for love. Period! We've talked about being completely open and honest with one another and seem to be doing a pretty good job answering all the hard questions. And yes, I'm so excited to be near him, it is good that we have this time, until the 23rd, to really get to know everything we can. I want us to have every chance possible.

He's been amazing and been a good sport. And from reading my blog he knows things about me I've never been able to tell anyone. We didn't mean for this connection to be a Blogstream affair but some of you figured us out last night - and we thought we were being careful!

So, with his blessing I'll let yawl in on our little secret. Prank is getting on a jet plane and coming to the beach. As you know, he's a bit more private than I am, but don't expect me to be telling all the details. We're both excited - a little bit more after last night. There is nothing more exciting for me than having someone in my life who likes me for who I am. And he knew this blabbermouth thing is who I am ahead of time.

Okay, I've said enough for one day. Happy Saturday everyone!

I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS AND WANT THEM HOME SAFE! Those that are still safe, that is. Those that we've lost, bless them for their service. And those whose lives are changed forever, may the universe guide you to a place of safety and warmth and may your lives be filled with happiness. We've all been changed by this war, but none as much as the brave men and women who have served.