I'm on the path of finding my way and don't know if the twists and turns will lead me further into photography or let me find my way back to the words. It doesn't really matter which way I'm meant to go, just as long as I get there.

In the meantime I've allowed my heart to soar with the birds that capture my imagination. How could I ever go away from them? Getting out and doing a thing that stirs my passion wasn't as easy as it sounds. Most days I consider taking myself to a movie, a play or out to a restaurant but I never go. I did treat myself to a couple of cute summer dresses - a little girlie thing for myself. And occasionally I allow myself to visit a friend. I sit on her porch and watch the waves ripple over the lake, the boats sailing or speeding by and people walking by with their dogs and kids. Tonight we sat on the beach and roasted marshmallows over a fire and smashed them into smores. Salto has found him a second home on the beach, with new people to love him and a couple of dogs to run with. We teased that if he ever got loose I'd know where to find him.

Kind of strange, my life is getting full. Not so much negativity any more, except that which resides inside of me, and it feels good to relax. Finally I get to move forward, not that I haven't been but it is easier when there is just my stuff to focus on. Not sure how it all happened except that I became willing to try a different way. And don't get me wrong, I'm not out of the woods and don't want to believe for an instant that I am, but there is a chance.

I cook my own meals, do my own shopping, mow my own lawn, wash my own car, pay my own bills, live my own life. Not that I hadn't done these things for the past 16 years but it is better now, somehow. I love my dog, birds, flowers, blue skies, warmth, friends, house, yard and my new, imperfect life.

Summer finally arrived and with it comes the hope of renewal and a re-commitment of the passion for life. The flowers are in full bloom, tiny green tomatoes are growing larger and there are baby birds every where.

Challenges still arise along the path, some that are seemingly insurmountable, but my eyes are opening wide and my head is held high. I've given up the facade of being perfect, not that everyone else didn't know that I'm screwed up, and learning who I am. Not an easy task but I'm sure it is one that is worthwhile.

I rarely know what it is that I'll write on these pages and today is not different. Pulling the cameras out of the drawer was another thing not easy to do but they are finally out. I rode on a luxury yacht today and cruised the lake. We went down the entire lake and a short ways into the river where there were birds of prey - osprey and eagles - and some herons and swallows. The osprey mamas were either still sitting on their eggs or were standing over the top of their babies, shading them from the hot sun. I'm in love with raptors, completely and solidly. I'll write more about this fantastic experience when I post some photos of the birds.

I still walk Salto every day but illness has forced me to back off of the bike riding. Salto just gets better and better. I have every right to be proud of what my love and patience has done for that dog - there is something solid for me to hang onto when most every thing else is rough. No, I take that back, a few things are rough and making personal changes is agonizing, but nothing is horrible. Just inconvenient.

Well, I see that I am still guarding my privacy and am censoring my words. I am paranoid and think that there are some who would get too much joy out of knowing what is going on, and I don't want to pleasure them. Isn't that horrible? To be so damned worried about what others think that I can barely move? Well, discretion is also one of my lessons, which goes hand in hand with gossip and being vengeful. It is all coming slowly - too slow for me - but it is coming.

I'm so excited to be here in Coeur d'Alene for my second Ironman. Getting out and photographing these athletes is just pure fun - and so inspiring. One personal story of success after another. Anyway, it is about time that I got the cameras back out and became excited about what I do. And the scenery just doesn't get any better than this.

Courage falters, my head goes under the covers and I wish to never be seen again. Darkness descended during the daylight and the pain became too much. But, where would I go? What would I do? Running is not an option. A tiny knock on the door. Shit! Leave me alone! I open the door and let them in. The first time anyone has ever come looking for me. God loves me and so do they. The turning point arrived. I'm at the last stop on the top of the hill. The choice is to fall backwards into Hell or to free fall with faith into a new way of life. Slowly the desire to move forward re-emerges and the willingness is back. With baby steps I advance. Painful baby steps into a new freedom. I believe that they believe.