My last blog post was interrupted by the cable guy, which is a story in and of itself. Let's just say that it was their fourth time here and that the first two guys did nothing but avoid doing their jobs correctly. You know those young guys who think they can tell an old lady what she really wants. They must have no respect for their mothers or grandmothers because they talk down to you, threaten to leave if you aren't going to be satisfied with what they graciously do and they spend more time talking their way out of doing something then it takes to do it. Anyway, the third guy actually takes pride in his job and he recognized that these other guys didn't do their job right. So he brought another installer here yesterday and they re-wired everything and now my internet connection works perfectly, instead of at DSL speed or slower. Plus, they gave me two weeks credit on my bill. Patience paid off.

Anyways, as I was saying in my last post, the thing I looked forward to the most was my hummingbird feeder. I put it up and the next day this guy showed up. This was a pleasant surprise because I really thought it would be a while before they found it - especially with all of the wildflowers that are blooming.

I started getting sick again but luckily caught it before things got too bad and am now on the mend. Somedays I do shake my head and wonder what it is all about. You know, like, just give me a break - find me a calm spot in this rushing stream.

Luckily there are always bright spots if I look for them. Next week I get to go up to Mt. Rainier! Funny, I've lived back in the area for more than two years, move to the other side of the mountains and finally get to see one of Washington's most treasured places. I can't wait! Hopefully I'll come back with lots of good photos and memories to share.

All of my belongings arrived last friday, thanks to someone who was nice enough to bring it all here. I didn't feel well at the time and thought that my tired and semi-lethargic self was just worn out from all of the exercise I'd been getting. Plus, I'd pulled a shoulder muscle while taking a photograph of a flower - now that is one for the books! By now I should have recognized the signs of getting sick again but didn't, not for a few days afterwards.

Of all of my possessions, one of the things that I most looked forward to was my hummingbird feeder.

I wrote the following piece in my journal a few days ago but won't post the entire writing for, somehow, it ended in erotica. Now where did that come from? I blame it on the Venus Slipper pictured above. She is a rare orchid that is found in moist forest areas that are rich mycorrhizal, or fungal, soils. A tiny orchid, she hides but there is no mistaking her when sighted. These orchids are edible and were considered to be aphrodisiacs but some wonder if that is just the power of suggestion. Note: I did not eat one, or even touch it for they are fragile and will die with the slightest disturbance.

This hill has so many layers, I could walk it everyday for a year and always find something new. Today I arrived with a dead battery in my camera and no back-ups in my pack, (or so I thought). It feels like my right arm is paralyzed without my tool. But in truth my hand is becoming weak again and probably could use a rest.

I love walking in the woods and feeling the pounds drop off of me, and the muscles growing, but my energy doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm tired and stressed. So much pounding on me financially with no relief in sight. The car, groceries and the bills.

A downy woodpecker is playing a tune near by. It sounds much like a Didgeridoo, tap tap tap, tap tap. His beat is rhythmic and I do believe that he means to cheer me some.

People jog by but do not see me sitting here on this hillside overlooking Lake Coeur d'Alene. My jeans are still tight and uncomfortable, making it hard to sit anywhere. Now the woodpecker's tap sounds duller, as if he were playing on felt.

I should walk and get my exercise but some times one needs to sit and be. Besides it is a long walk here and back. Another downy is in the tree beside me. A robin and a flicker sit together, not too far away. I put peanuts on the chipmunk rock but he's yet to come out and play.

I have the strange feeling of being okay, yet still desperate. Wonder if others ever feel the same way? I yearn to belong in this world and to have something to offer but can't seem to find my place.

I can't name all of the pants, animals and butterflies in these woods - there are so many of them. But I love all of it and plan to use this as an opportunity to learn new things.

No creatures surround me now. I hear traffic, chain saws and boats in the distance. The Osprey is doing her relentless chirping and it is a difficult sound to describe, or to emulate.

Okay, just a couple of lines from the last part - I'm feeling brave:

Come make love to me in the forest.

Caress my breasts and feel my thighs.

The juices that flow are for you.

Place my head amongst the flowers and eagerly pull...

END NOTE: Originally I'd found one single Venus Slipper in the forest, far off of the path but after writing the above, I headed on down the hill towards home and came upon several of the tiny orchids. I got my camera out to see if the battery would at least pop one photo off and it wasn't dead at all. Guess I was meant to sit in the woods and write.

Wow, being scared, lonely and desperately broke in a new town sure doesn't look good on me. Without meaning to, I'm pissing everyone off and am not quite sure that I deserve the extent of their hostility.

I suppose that if you found yourself in a town where you didn't mean to be, but there because your car broke down and spent all of your money getting into a place to live, you wouldn't be scared or asking for help? Money coming in but taking longer than expected, no way to fix the car, nearly bare cupboards and refrigerator, not knowing many people and a body sore from walking everywhere with a backpack on your back, you would probably be the picture of serenity? I can see you sitting there, cross-legged, eyes closed and humming like a long, drawn out bee. The mantra in your head, "God will provide, all I have to do is sit here, believe and wait."

Well, God does provide but we have to do the footwork in order to find the solution. So, based on the fact that this chunk of money is coming in, I asked to borrow 1/2 of the $500 needed to get the car fixed. It wasn't my intention to cause a problem for anyone or to have a blow-up but that was what happened. I misunderstood their questions for the issue being under consideration. They misunderstood my answers for trying to manipulate them. Now I feel like a really bad guy and probably they do too.

Then the owner of the RV park that I was going to live in kindly agreed to refund my deposit. To me, this was a life saver because the money would buy groceries. I was very grateful to her. But when I checked my account yesterday afternoon, the money wasn't there so I thought that under the circumstances it would be okay to ask when she would refund it. I received a one word answer - "yesterday." I called the bank and they said there was no such transaction and so wrote to just verify that she credited my card and didn't send a check. There was no response. So I checked again today and the money wasn't there and so wrote and asked if there was a transaction number, just in case something went wrong. It wasn't like I didn't believe her. I felt completely desperate and scared and sat here checking my e-mail nearly every second. Because I'm getting so much exercise, my body is constantly hungry and the food is quickly evaporating. I've not had to walk such a fine line before because there was always back-up food in the freezer or cupboards. Desperation does not look good on me - people think I'm weak and need to be stomped further into the ground. When I didn't hear back from her I wrote and asked if she changed her mind. My sense from the one-word answer was that she was angry but had no idea it was because I'd written her. I explained my situation and apologized for bothering her. She finally wrote back and it was nasty. No, she didn't have to refund the deposit and yes I was grateful that she was going to do so. I wouldn't have even asked for it if not for being in such a bind. I try to do what is right and not ask for such things but my stomach is growling. There is still a little food but I was scared to eat it - now that is weird, but there was no way of knowing how long this would go on. The money finally came through and I walked a mile to the grocery store and carried a few items back - milk, juice, cheese.

So it is hard right now and during a time when I could use some people on my side, they've turned away from me. I haven't said anything ugly, so it isn't that. It is a difficult thing to understand. I'm not sure that I would react the same way if the situation were reversed - in fact I know that if it were in my power to help, I would do so in what ever way worked. They aren't me. We are different. If someone told me that they were just looking for food money, I would have compassion, not contempt. Am I the weird one here? Should I just never let people know when things are tough? Show weakness of any kind? Does that make me contemptible? There is something that I'm not getting.

So far this moving back home thing doesn't feel so hot. But then, I didn't expect that it would, which is why I wasn't going to put myself in such a position as to be hurt further. I'm still fragile and sensitive - though much better - and a little on shaky ground. The feelings of being rejected, lonely and scared are not easy ones to be with, thus the desire to drown them out. I'm now doing two meetings a day and have finally opened up about my precarious situation but going down the wine aisle is still a scary thing. Given everything I've gone through in my sobriety and not managed to drink over, this has blind sided me and I'm humbled by my powerlessness. My need to own where I'm at in order to begin walking back up that hill. This is not a position I saw myself in at this age and after years of hard work and it is humbling. This could happen to anyone, none of us are immune. So, yes, it will get better and a couple of weeks from now the car will be fixed and I'll have done my thing for greenhouse emissions, my body will be in better shape and looking HOT , bills will be paid and there will be food in the house. I'll probably hoard for fear of getting here again. Hopefully I will not have thrown away that which has taken so long to get - me.

P.S. you guys are making me feel so good about my photography, it has been just wonderful to share it with you. Thank you!